Emotional Adulthood

When we are children, we have needs that must be met by adults.  As we grow and become autonomous, we should begin to meet those needs ourselves more and more.  Unfortunately, we are never taught that as we become adults, that we are the ones responsible for managing our own emotions.  

We should be taught that no one can make us feel or do anything.  They can’t make us feel sad and they can’t make us punch the wall.  People can not make us feel things.  Our feelings come from our thoughts.  So we are the only ones that can make ourselves feel an emotion.  We feel a certain way because of the thoughts that we think.  

What if someone “makes you mad?”  This is even how we phrase it in our speech.  Like we are passive respondents to the circumstance in an uncontrollable way.  What someone does or says is just a fact.  Just a circumstance.  But the real reason we get mad is because of our thoughts about what they said or did.  

If someone told me “I hate your blue hair” and I don’t have blue hair, I would not take offense at all.  I may laugh at what they said or question their sanity, but I would not feel bad about the words they said to me.  But if someone says, “your hair looks weird today” I might be more likely to believe them and feel offended (because I thought what they said was true.)

 We are taught that people can make us feel things, and that we can cause other people’s emotions.  So many times we act in ways because we don’t want to “upset him”, “hurt someone” or “make her cry.”  We are not taught that we can manage our own emotions, but we are taught to people-please to try and control other people’s emotions. 

People pleasing is just lying- to yourself and others.   The more you try to “make someone else happy”, the less you are being true to yourself.  So even if this did gain another’s favor, he or she is liking this false version of you.  How many tv shows or movies have you seen where the main character becomes a false version of herself to gain acceptance, and then realizes she can not keep up with the facade of being someone else all of the time?

Imagine a ball of string you have that is your personal well being.  When you let someone’s words or actions offend you, it is like you are giving that person a piece of your string.  They can do what they want with it, shake it all around, fray it,  and you feel the result of it.  You let them control that part of you.  Maybe you want to make your boss, your spouse and your kids all happy.  You are giving them each a piece of your string.  The truth is, you can not make them happy by what you say or do.  Their happiness comes from THEIR thoughts about what you say or do.  But by trying to manage their emotions, you have given them your string and really let them control you.

It is our job to manage our own emotions- no one else can.  And other people are in control of their emotions too.  No one else can “make you happy”- your happiness is your job.  And who better to do it?